The W Files
by theblackgoddess
Summary: Top secret documents uncovered from the W files that provide insight and enlightenment into the minds of the enemy. Warning: Extremely shocking information, not for the weak hearted. The truth is in here.
1. Document 1: A Letter From Constance

_Now, you may all know about the infamous X files that the government has squirreled away in a secret underground base, but what you don't know is that under that secret underground base is another more secret underground base, and under that more secret underground base there is another even more top secret underground base with a hidden secret passageway in the secret janitors closet that leads to a secret cavern where there is a pretend wall that leads to a secret secret passageway that leads to a secret large vault that contains a secret medium sized vault which contains a secret small vault which contains a secret filing cabinet which contains secret folders which contain secret envelopes which contain secret special dehydrated pills that if you drop into the secret substance found in the other secret base under the library, under the secret library, under the secret secret library in a secret city in a secret part of Calcutta the pill will become a key that opens a secret box in Germany that leads to a secret map in Quam that reveals the secret location of the person who knows where a secret mine shaft is and if you follow the secret mine shaft you will find a secret mine that contains another secret filing cabinet which contains THE W FILES! Or I suppose you could always look on the web, since everything is on the web now, my friend once found a website about peas. Anyway after risking mortal peril we have uncovered secret W file documents that you will find shocking._

Document 1: This letter contains top secret information, read with caution.

Dear Shritga,  
Oh my freakin gosh, I cannot believe they shot you in the head. That like totally and completely sucks. Like I seriously hope you get better soon, so we can like totally hang and stuff. I'll even bring the noose, unless you want to bring yours, but yours is totally old and yucky from overuse so I think I'll bring mine anyway even if you do bring yours. But still you have to realize that some of it is totally your fault you know, cuz like seriously, what the heck were you thinking? Seriously, sucking the life force out of a hunter while his brother has a gun on you? What the heck were you thinking? Posing as a doctor was probably clever on your part but seriously next time don't let them take your picture. Cuz what a giveaway, ya know. Those jerky supernatural hunters don't even have to look hard anymore to figure stuff out. Stupid media. I like was talking to a reporter the other day and he was so totally drab, just report report you know? It felt like he was interviewing me, which is so annoying, so I totally ripped his heart out, which is enclosed in this letter to make you feel better btw. Anyway, those hunter guys are total jerks. I mean we're just doing what we can to get by ya know? I can't believe they're so flippin not understanding at all to our plight. I mean they are seriously making this world a drag to live in. We do our part we make the world a better place, but is that good enough for them? No, they have to go about and force unnecessary family reunions on us and stuff. They think they're being heroic good guys and stuff but let's look at it realistically. I kill infidelitous men, can there possibly be anything more noble then that? I think not. Without me they would be out and about multiplying and making more evil skeezes like themselves and the world would be overrun, but do the hunter people realize this? No, instead they wreck my house and bring me back to my whiney good for nothing children who never help with the dishes. And take Mary for example, she only killed evil murderers, and they still went about to stop her. Well I suppose she could use some humbling anyway, the girl is much too vain, I mean she practically lives in the freakin mirror. Maybe this will bring her down a notch, to the point that you don't have to freakin say her name like three freakin times before she stops spacing out or whatever and finally notices you're talking to her. Anyway, I hope you get better soon, and good luck with that evil scheme you and what's his name have planned or whatever.

Love,

Constance.

PS. Watch out for the Black Goddess, I've seen her sneak off with my mail like three times now. How annoying.


	2. Document 2: Tape Transcript

Warning: TOP SECRET: Read with discretion. Weak hearted individuals shouldn't read on. It's much too shocking.

_Document 2: Well this isn't really a document, it's a tape, but we transcribed it just for you. But unfortunately due to a tragic pen accident in the process of transcribing it, we lost our wingman and of course must now go on a quest to find a new one. If you have any suggestions please call 1-666-HERESMYSOULINEXCHANGEFORPARSLEY-232, then grab a grenade and throw it into a fountain on Sycamore Street in Chesapeke Bay New Guinea, and there you shall find a pager, and if you click the pager you will hear a voice and if you notice the voice you will probably notice that the pager is actually a telephone, and if you throw that telephone into a river, then when you get to the ocean you will find a sting ray, and if you cut up the stingray then you will find a key in it's stomach and then if you fly to Antarctica and find a huge hunchback whale named Marty, you will get swallowed and find a door, and if you use the key from the stingray in the door in the whale you will find a box, and in that box there will be a bean sprout. And if you take the bean sprout and grow it in Quam for three months, an agent will contact you and in exchange for 65 of the profit from your farming endeavors, the agent will give you a coat button and if you go to Winglers Tailor Shop in Germany, and buy a tailor, then if you sew the button on the coat of the tailor the tailor will give you a code word, and if you say that code word to a parrot with deep green feathers, in the Amazon jungle you will receive another code word, and if you tell that code word to a thermometer inconspicuously lying in a mailbox in London outside of a deli that sells maple walnut extra special palimento bread, the thermometer will give you a bunch of degrees and if you decode that, you will get the address of a little old lady, and if you visit the little old lady she will give you a coffee mug, and on that coffee mug there will be a tea stain in the form of an arrow that points you in the direction of a nearby forest that's only 124 miles away from the little old ladies house, and in that forest you will find an oak tree, and inscribed on that oak tree there will be a picture of a squirrel, and if you find that squirrel it will hand you a walnut, and if you break open that walnut you will find a slip of paper with our top secret website on it, where you can post your suggestion. Or you could just google it. Now onto the transcript. This is a tape from the offices of Dr. Vedlok, a prominent German marriage counselor. The truth is out there._

DOCUMENT 2: MARRIAGE COUNSELING SESSION 1.

Marriage Counselor: Now why is it that you are here?

Bloody Mary: Well you see, if this doesn't work out, we'll have to get a divorce. My husband and I have been having major problems.

Shritga: No we haven't.

Bloody Mary: That's one of the problems! He argues with me about absolutely everything.

Shritga: I DO NOT!!!

Bloody Mary: See?

Shritga: I don't see what you are talking about. My gosh, woman, you speak such nonsense.  
Marriage Counselor: Ok, both of you just calm down, now to start we're going to get all the problems out in the open right now (Bloody Mary and Shritga hurriedly start talking at once trying to out voice each other to the point that it's impossible to distinguish what they're saying) ENOUGH! Now we'll start one at a time, Mary will go first, and then her husband, I didn't catch your name.

Shritga: Elroy.

Marriage Counselor: Ok, Elroy. Now there will be absolutely no speaking while your spouse is saying their piece. Understood?

Bloody Mary: Sounds fair enough.

Shritga: That's so unfair.

Marriage Counselor: You'll get your chance. Now Mary go on and tell me why your marriage has had some problems.

Bloody Mary: Some problems? Try like a billion, I doubt I'll be able to even say them all there's so many. First off, a month ago, I was doing the laundry and was about to immerse a load in the basin of pigs blood when I found a letter in my husbands shroud from that awful slut Constance!!!

Marriage Counselor: And what did the letter say?

Bloody Mary: Besides a few slanderous remarks about me, I found much to my horror, but not in a good way, that they've been hanging together for quite some time!

Marriage Counselor: Do you have this letter?

Bloody Mary: No its "mysteriously disappeared" since then.

Shritga: If you're implying what I think your implying…..

Bloody Mary: Well what am I supposed to think, I have it one minute, I turn around and it's gone. What do you think that squirrel took it?

Shritga: Well I certainly didn't. Why would I? It's not that it actually had anything in it. It was just a get well card for demons sake. You're just insanely paranoid.

Bloody Mary: I am not paranoid!

Shritga: Then how come when you look in the mirror you think other people are on the other side? Huh? Explain that!

Bloody Mary: DON'T YOU BRING MY CAREER INTO THIS!!  
Marriage Counselor: Alright enough. Now Mary go on and tell me what happened.  
Bloody Ok…And then a week later, I caught my husband in a bat cave, with Constance on top of him, SCRATCHING AND TEARING OUT HIS HEART! I was stunned, and shocked, I couldn't believe that my husband was cheating on me with that that wannabe fiend! She isn't even pretty, do you know that she has to use baking powder to get that pale? I mean seriously. And she has children, whiny annoying children, with those wretched Hansel and Gretel type voices. They probably don't even have souls worth sucking. I have no idea what he could possibly see in her.

Marriage Counselor: Maybe he himself wants children, have you considered that?

Bloody Mary: It's not my fault he ate all ours. Anyway, naturally I was upset, but being the calm sensible individual I am, I didn't even confront him until later, I instead simply scratched both their eyes out and went home. Except my home had been destroyed by a bunch of miscreants who both had both managed to get away without me purging them of their nasty secrets, which made me feel bad, because even though they did shatter my home into a million pieces, I still love to help people, and would have helped them with their burdens if I could. I mean, no one who's talked to me has ever complained. Not once. But I'll take care of that later. So anyway I had no where to go, so I went over to the Wendigo's house, but he didn't want me he said his eyes were much too dry at the moment to handle a visit from me, and he'd just finished mopping the floor and didn't want his blood to mess with the feng shui of the slime. So I went to the Hookman's house. And decided to stay there until I could reassess my options. Then much to my shock, my husband storms in and starts shrieking at me for some strange reason I can't fathom. And then we started screaming and arguing with each other and things have just escalated to the point I don't know if I can take this marriage anymore.

Marriage Counselor: I see, now do you know why your husband was "shrieking at you"

Bloody Mary: I really have no idea, hence why I said "for some strange reason I can't fathom" He was the one that had had a foreign person tearing his heart out, not I. I had every right to be upset. Plus I haven't been invited back to Hookies house since.

Marriage Counselor: I see. So are there any problems besides umm…that one.

Bloody Mary: Well I didn't want to bring this up but he already did, so, I just can't get over how uncaring and unsupportive he is of my career.

Shritga: Oh please, what's there to support? You pretty much just preen in a mirror all day…

Bloody Mary: Appearances are important

Shritga… unless some bozo manages to get your attention which they usually don't.

Bloody Mary: I have spaces of deep contemplative medative thought.  
Shritga: On average it takes like three times for you to even notice any one is even there.

Bloody Mary: So I get there a little late? Like you do better.

Shritga: I get sidetracked!

Bloody Mary: FOR FIFTY YEARS?!!

Shritga: That's a worst case scenario and you know it!

Bloody Mary: Whatever, you sleep in.

Shritga: …And then you tell them something they already know, because duh, they did it, and then you scratch their eyes out and kill them. Please like that's tough. My grandmother could do it.

Bloody Mary: Your grandmother couldn't tell a person from a frog.

Shritga: Don't you go on about my grandmother! She always does this.

Bloody Mary: You're not the one who has to clean up after she comes, or be there when she's keeping the entire house up with that awful croaking noise.

Shritga: So she possessed the wrong thing? It could happen to anyone. Besides the house needs the exercise. It's legs are getting portly.

Bloody Mary: And at least I can look out of the mirror long enough to help people! You are so selfish it's astounding.

Shritga: It's not like people actually need souls. People can consider me a sanitation worker of sorts. I get rid of unnecessary materials.

Bloody Mary: You've never supported me! Not even when I was a lawyer.

Shritga: I would if you didn't keep killing off your clients. They are the ones that pay you know.

Bloody Mary: I was doing my job, they were guilty!

Shritga: You were a DEFENSE attorney.

Marriage Counselor: Alright, now we have to stop with the arguing. It's destroying the purpose of this meeting. Elroy tell me your side.

Shritga: Aren't you going to come out from under the desk?

Marriage Counselor: No, this is standard procedure. Every marriage counselor does this By being under the desk, the couple knows that I am metaphorically pushing their problems beneath them so that they may get over the issues facing them and once again achieve a happy marriage. In fact maybe this would work better if I was in that nice friendly hard wood closet over there? Umm, I guess not. Anyway, go on.

Shritga: I've been having a rough time lately. First I get shot in the head…

Bloody Mary: It was your own stupid fault.

Shritga: I was quiet during your turn! Anyway, first I get shot, and then I lose my job at the hospital, because apparently they're discriminative to dead people who may be sucking the lives out of children, for some strange reason. I mean, really the parents should thank me, because I seriously saved them loads of money, you know some shritga's charge for services, but not me, no I have to be a humanitarian. And now, instead of hunting out food myself, I have to spend a great deal of my money ordering take out. I may be old fashioned, but that's just not dignified. So, I'm stuck moping about the house, feeling neglected because all my wife seems to think about is getting a new mirror, but she can't make up her freakin mind "It's too gilded" "It's too reflective" "It doesn't bring out my paleness" JUST CHOOSE ALREADY! GOSH! She can't even come out of the mirror long enough to notice anyone else around her, even when she doesn't even have a freakin mirror. And anyway then I get this nice kind get well card from my friend Constance, and Mary literally freaks out at me, and acts like it's some major crime, because I didn't tell her about it. Do you realize how irritating it is to have a wife who automatically knows peoples secrets? I should be allowed some privacy, without having to constantly wipe blood from my eyes just from looking at her, or constantly worry about being ambushed by the bathroom mirror. Sometimes she hides in there for days. It just isn't right. Anyway, so she flips out and scratches my eyes out. What else is new? You'd think that after so many years, she'd learn how to do something different, but no, it's just the same thing over and over and over again. And so she leaves, says she needs some time off. And I don't press her because I'm tired of her nagging and I don't generally do nice things for people when I'm upset with them. Besides the iron takes forever to heat up. So I decide to go for a walk. And as I'm walking, I come across Constance in a cave, and she looks happier then usual so I ask her what's wrong. And she says that she's been having self esteem issues. Apparently she hasn't been able to get anyone to pick her up in a couple monthes…

Bloody Mary: HAH! Sorry..

Shritga: and she's been worried that her heart removal skills have become rusty, so she's upset, and I personally hate to see a woman laugh, so I told her she could practice on me. It was completely innocent. I don't see why Mary overreacted so, though I do admit that I found it nice to get straight to the point with it. I mean, Mary is pretty good at it, but she always has to bleed me first, and that takes such a long time, especially when she insists on doing it through the eyes. So anyway, then Mary comes in and she's furious for some reason, and she storms out and is like "Don't bother looking for me! You won't find me at the Wendigoes house" So of course I go there first to try and explain what was going on, but the Wendigo isn't home, so I naturally try the hookman's house next, because my wife seems to have an odd fixation with the guys hook, says she can see herself in it or whatever, even though she knows the guy is practically my arch nemesis. He scratched my car for hecks sake, even after I apologized for eating all of his children, so anyway I get there and what do I find? Mary with the hookman, and she's scratching him in an affectionate manner, WITH HIS OWN HOOK! I was stunned so naturally I start shrieking at her, and it's gone downhill ever since.

Bloody Mary: Now wait just a minute! That's totally unfair, you were with Constance first, and was upset. I'm way younger then you are, less experienced, I should be allowed certain allowances.

Shritga: That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard.

Bloody Mary: Oh yeah, well, you're not the one to come home and find all the flowers dead. I'm not blind! Well not anymore at least. I could see that you've been with that zombie girl too.

Shritga: That's not proof of anything! Did you ever think that maybe the plants were dead because you give them blood instead of water?

Bloody Mary: Waters so expensive these days.

Shritga: You're paranoid

Bloody Mary: I am not! What does the counselor guy think? Where is he anyway?

Shritga: I got hungry.

Bloody Mary: Oh, well that was a total bust. He wasn't helpful at all. He just went "I see" over and over again. We paid him to listen not see. Be sure to get our money back.

Shritga: You already did, remember the receptionist? The one with the secret?

Bloody Mary: Oh yeah, someone really should clean that up.

Shritga: That's what janitors are for.

Bloody Mary: Great! Now we have to find another marriage counselor once again due to your outrageous appetite…

Shritga: Outrageous appetite? WHY I'll have you know……………..

_The tape ran out at this point. I dearly hope this document has been informative. The truth may be out there, but can you handle it?_


	3. Document 3: Phone call

_Document#3: This is a tape transcript from when we finally got our wingman to figure out how to tap phones properly after several rigorous hours of practice using Dixie cups tied together with string. Then after several weeks of hearing nothing worthwhile except trivial comments on the weather we discovered that phone tapping machines work a lot better if you have them plugged in, and not using them as door wedges, a handy tip that anyone working for top secret government agencies should know. Also it's very important to know that phone tapping actually doesn't have anything to do with tapping your fingers and feet while you are doing so, in fact sometimes it may even alert the people you are tapping of your presence which is never good, so keep that in mind. This transcript is of a phone conversation we accidentally intercepted when trying to find out whether Monica and Chandler were actually more then just friends a mystery that remains as unresolved as ever._

Man#1: Hello, is the Wendigo there?

Wingman: I don't think so.

Man#1: Who is this?

Wingman: Umm. No one. Sorry.

Man#1: That's alright

Wendigo: Hello?

Man#1:Wendy is that you?

Wendigo: Who else would it be? Who is this?

Man#1:Dr. Ellicot.

Wendigo: I don't think he's here, I'll go check.

Dr. Ellicot: THIS IS HIM.

Wendigo: Oh good you found him, now I don't have to look, thanks.

Dr. Ellicot: So how are you?

Wendigo: I'm good, ya know, my chest feels like it's on fire though.

Dr. Ellicot: Heart burn?

Wendigo: No I haven't eaten one of those in a while. You?

Dr. Ellicot: I'm alright, a bit atrophied. 

Wendigo: That's understandable.

Dr. Ellicot: Some lame-o hunter totally salted me.

Wendigo: Dude that sucks. With your complexion you're definitely a pepper.

Dr. Ellicot: I tried to tell them.

Wendigo: Some people. It's just so impolite.

Dr. Ellicot: And at the work place too. Who do they think they are? And seriously why bother? We're already dead.

Wendigo: Yeah. Like what's killing us supposed to do?

Dr. Ellicot: I have no idea.

Wendigo: I called in a hunter exterminator once. Found six of them under the house.

Dr. Ellicot: You're kidding!

Wendigo: I'm not, the world is getting so dang infested.

Dr. Ellicot: How disturbing.

Wendigo: I know, man, like it's getting so that decent people can't even eat decent people without someone getting upset over it.

Dr. Ellicot: What is this world coming to?

Wendigo: I don't know man, especially what with that Yellow eyed guy about.

Wendigo: I know! I mean seriously, and what's the big deal? I mean, I only work like 7 hours every few years and I still get paid the same.

Dr. Ellicot: Stupid overachievers. Constantly trying to make us look bad, soon it will be that we'll never get a vacation. Soon we'll all be expected to waste a perfectly good afternoon killing a huge mass of people or trying to start a war or apocalypse.

Wendigo: That just doesn't work for me. I need my free time. Sheesh, it's already getting so that I can barely sleep in fifty years at most without some apocalyptic plot waking me up.

Dr. Ellicot: Did you try putting your alarm clock on snooze?

Wendigo: That just doesn't work for me. Once I'm up, I'm up, you know? Though I have been able to sneak out of bed for a mid mid century snack on occasion.

Dr. Ellicot: Hunters hate that, throws em off track.

Wendigo: Oh well, I can't help it. I get cravings.

Dr. Ellicot: I know what you mean. Did you see Veronica Mars last night?

Wendigo: Nope, the connection is so crappy out here. I tried putting the antennae all the way on top of the mine shaft and everything, and still no avail.

Dr. Ellicot: Bummer, it had some great LoVe scenes. Are you sure the guy installed it properly?

Wendigo: Awww to bad I missed that. What guy?

Dr. Ellicot: The guy that delivered it.

Wendigo: Oh! Drat! I knew he was there for a different reason. And I was so excited too, finally a place that sends dinner and entertainment. People so rarely offer themselves up these days.

Dr. Ellicot: I know, it totally sucks.

Wendigo:Yeah, pizza delivery people won't even come up here anymore.

Dr. Ellicot: So did you hear about Bloody Mary?

Wendigo: What about Bloody Mary?

Dr. Ellicot: Bloody Mary and Shritga might be filing for divorce.

Bloody Mary: Who called me?

Wendigo: No one.

Bloody Mary: No I heard my name being called three times.

Wendigo: You must be mistaken.

Bloody Mary: I can't be, first off I'm married, and second off, I'm not a vampire.

Wendigo: Not Miss Staken. Mistaken.

Bloody Mary: Hah, like anyone could take me. I don't have the wool pulled over my eyes, it doesn't absorb blood well at all. And once again, Married. I'm waving my ring finger in the air, you just can't see it cuz you aren't looking in the mirror.

Dr. Ellicot: He means that you are wrong. We did not call you. Please go away, you're getting blood all over my spectacles and linoleum. The stuff is awful to clean.

Bloody Mary: I heard my name being said three times by someone. That's calling me.

Dr. Ellicot: No, I said Bloody Mary twice, and Wendigo said it once.

Bloody Mary: HAH! Now you've called me.

Dr. Ellicot: Drat!

Wendigo: He falls for it every time.

Bloody Mary: So what were you talking about?

Dr. Ellicot: Ummmmmmmmm

(3 hours later)

Dr. Ellicot: Hunters, and not your divorce.

Wendigo: Yup that's what we were talking about, it had absolutely nothing to do with your marriage issues at all.

Dr. Ellicot: Nothing.

Bloody Mary: Shush, you'll call him over here.

Wendigo: Who?

Bloody Mary: Nothing. SHOOT! You made say it.

Dr. Ellicot: You're just bitter because he answers the most amounts of mirrors every single year. You've never won to him not once.

Bloody Mary: This year will change. I moved to a place with a much better view after my old place was destroyed. I can even see the towel rack this time.

Wendigo: Mazel tov.

Bloody Mary: Watch your mouth!

Wendigo: Sorry.

Bloody Mary: What were you talking about hunters for?

Dr. Ellicot: They suck.

Wendigo: I don't mind them much. They're amusing. I like to watch them.

Bloody Mary: How so?

Wendigo: Well for instance those two that keep on becoming a nuisance are trying to find more of the psych kids and are stumped because some of there mothers didn't die when they turned six monthes old.

Dr. Ellicot:chuckle Idiots.

Bloody Mary: That's stupid, don't they realize that some people turn six monthes old on Thursdays?

Wendigo: Apparently not.

Dr. Ellicot: He wouldn't be out burning moms on a Thursday.

Bloody Mary: Of course not.

Wendigo: That's his bowling night.

Bloody Mary: What do they think that we just sit around all day waiting for them to "annihilate"us?

Wendigo: We have unlives to live.

Laughter

some heavy breathing

Bloody Mary: Hey! Is someone tapping this phone?

Phone Tapper: hangs up No.

click

breathing

Bloody Mary: Okay then.

Wendigo: Oh good, for a second there I was worried.

Dr. Ellicot: Did you hear that the guys daughter went back to hell?

Bloody Mary: Oh, poor dear. I'll send her a fruit basket.

Wendigo: Oh she got out.

Dr. Ellicot: Really?

Wendigo: Oh yeah, I heard she seduced and bribed the gatekeeper.

Bloody Mary: How?

Wendigo: Three steaks.

Dr. Ellicot: Rare?

Wendigo: Wooden.

Dr. Ellicot: Ah.

Bloody Mary: So what are you guys doing this weekend?

Dr. Ellicot: Just hanging.

Bloody Mary: Oh, you could borrow my husbands rope if you want.

Dr. Ellicot: No thank you. What about you Wendigo?

Wendigo: Spring cleaning. You wouldn't believe the amount of grime that accumulates every twenty five years. Then I think I might take a short nap. Five years maybe? Recuperate you know. Put on a ventriloquist show for the kids. Rip a couple guys to shreds. Stuff like that.

Bloody Mary: I'm settling into my new mirror.

Dr. Ellicot: I have some filing that I probably should get going on. Patients to look after. I don't know what they'd do without me.

Wendigo: Didn't they kill you in the first place?

Dr. Ellicot: Well yeah, but that's just psychological turmoil, they blame their doctors for their own problems. Is it my fault they were so angry?

Bloody Mary: Shoot, some sucker is calling me. Got to go.

Wendigo: Try not to stain the carpet.

Bloody Mary hangs up

Dr. Ellicot: Finally, I thought she'd never leave.

Wendigo: It was like the social visit that would never end.

Dr. Ellicot: Yeah, Bl-

Wendigo: DON'T SAY IT!!!

Dr. Ellicot: Oh yeah. She can be rather tiresome.

Wendigo: Not too mention messy to have around.

Dr. Ellicot: It's too bad she might be getting a divorce though.

Wendigo: Those two were so cute together.

Dr. Ellicot: I offered to help him with his anger management problems but he declined for some strange reason.

Wendigo: Strange.

Dr. Ellicot: Yeah. I truthfully didn't think their marriage would last. I mean, he's way older then she is.

Wendigo: Age has nothing to do with it. I was way older then my first mate.

Dr. Ellicot: Well yeah, but it's different for you. You don't rot like the rest of us. You don't have to go about day today wondering if this is the day your hands fall out into your soup or you'll wake up to see your spouse with your eyes in her mouth.

Wendigo: There's supposed to be a cream that helps with that. Like some new mortician thingy.

Dr. Ellicot: Really? I hadn't heard about it. You'd think they'd show commercials for something like that.

Wendigo: People are crazy.

Dr. Ellicot: Are you sure theres no one tapping this phone?

Phone Tapper: I assure you, your conversation is completely tap free. Continue.

Wendigo: Nah, I think I'll go to bed. I might sleep in this century. I've already stayed up much too late.

Dr. Ellicot: Bye! Haunt you later!

Wendigo: Bye.

click  
phone tap ends

_Unfortunately right after this we found our wingman rather angry for an unfathomable reason. Other then being torn to shreds he really had nothing to complain about. It was quite puzzling. We believe that they may have been tipped off about our presence. But how? And now we must find a new wingman. Drat. The Truth Is In Here_


	4. Document 4: Psychoanalysis

Here is a document from the distinguished Proffesor Limptenberglecatisinksi(it's swedish), a prominent psychiatrist at the University of Pyschelberg Idaho, a german community. It was posted elsewhere as well before I realized that it truly belonged with the W Files do to its many revelations about the Gordon Walker Character.

An Answer To A Frequently Asked Question

Many People has asked me to do a psychoanalysis of Gordon and find out what secret messages Kripke has hidden within the confines of that character. "Will you please do a psychoanalysis of Gordon and find out what secret messages Kripke has hidden within the confines of that character?" asked Many People(it's a Greek name) a few months ago. However I refused until at last she asked me exactly 2.5 times, which is the standard amount of times a question must be asked before a question becomes a frequently asked question, to maintain my status as a strict professional. So today in this column I shall do a psychoanalysis of Gordon and hopefully all your questions about the character will be answered.

First, we will of course look at the name. From the dictionary the first entry on Gordon is that of someone known as Charles George, known as the Chinese Gordon, apparently a British general who was in China. British people aren't Chinese and generals can be viewed as annoying - especially by those who don't like to follow rules, such as Dean. Therefore Gordon represents a very annoying person in a foreign land - which is another word for "field" which means that Dean will find him very annoying in the field of hunting supernatural creatures. So in naming Gordon "Gordon", Kripke was already telling us that Gordon would attack Sam, because seriously what could possibly be more annoying then that?

From the encyclopedia, Gordon is a river that was a site for controversial proposals for hydroelectricity. Controversial is another way of saying "issues." A river is a body of water that flows one way, which means that Gordon is a closed minded guy with some serious issues.

In Scottish, Gordon means "Great Hill", gor which means "great" and don, which is really dun, which means "hill". A hill is a mound of dirt trying to be a mountain but not quite making it that causes irritation among people forced to walk up it without the promise of a spectacular view at the top. So this seems to show us that Gordon is trying to be like Dean, who is a mountain of a guy, but failing miserably and thus causing irritation. Great is something that Tony the Tiger says about frosted flakes, this seems to show us that Gordon will be extremely flakey.

Gordon doesn't mean anything in Dutch, Portuguese, Russian, Korean, Italian, Japanese, Greek, German, French, or Chinese, from this we can see that Gordon obviously doesn't have anything to do with any of these ethnicities.

If you type Gordon in on Google the first thing to come up is Gordon College, which is a religious college in Massachusetts. Massachusetts is the site for the Salem Witch Trials as well as the Boston Tea Party - which shows that Gordon is a very unjust person and very wasteful of caffeinated beverages.

Now the first step of the psychoanalysis is finished. We shall now delve even deeper into Gordon's name. If you take away the letters from the back you get this message: Gordo. Gord, Gor, Go, G.

Gordo, is the name of a stuffed pig that Buffy owned, Gord, is a type of squash, Gor is gruesome bloodshed, Go is what you do when the light turns green, and G is something someone says if you utter a remark that they've never thought of before. There are several ways we can read this message. We can take this as a whole and say that this is obviously telling us that Gordon is a PIG who is GOing to be SQUASHED which will be quite the GORy spectacle, GEE, why on earth didn't we think of this before? And we can take it bit by bit and say that Gee, Gordon is a rather squashy oinker who likes gore. Since Kripke is such a clever person to come up with all this, it's pretty safe to assume that both these analyzations are correct.

Working from the front we get ORDON, RDON, DON, ON, N, which backwards is N No Nod Nodr, Nodro. Nodr and Nodro aren't words, so we clearly have to separate them, and then the message is N, No, Nod, No dr, No dr O. DR is the abbreviation for "doctor" so the message is actually N, No, Nod, No Dr., No Dr. O. The "N" puzzled me at first but then I realized that doctors know a lot about chemistry and N is the chemical symbol for Nitrogen. So Nitrogen, No, Nod, No Dr., No Dr. O.

Now, since there are two DR's it stands to reason that going by the basic laws of mathematics one of those must be turned backwards, and since RD is the abbreviation for "road," the message is now: Nitrogen, No, Nod, No Road, No Doctor O. No and Nod cancel each other out because they are opposites, so the message becomes Nitrogen, No Road, No Doctor O. Since there are two no's it stands to reason that we must flip one of them backwards much like we did with one of the DR's, and this makes the message, Nitrogen, On Road, No Doctor O - which makes the message understandable.

Kripke is clearly telling Dr. O that there is in fact Nitrogen on the road, but he shouldn't go get it. Or maybe Kripke is saying that Nitrogen was on the road, and somehow it kidnapped Dr. O. Or maybe it's saying that Nitrogen is on a road that Doctor O wasn't. Or maybe it's saying that Doctor O didn't meet Nitrogen on the road when he was supposed to. For what reason, only time will tell. Maybe it's a future plot line or something?

Now, if we take the name Gordon and put it backwards we get NODROG. Which clearly means No Dr. Og. Og must be the name of the previously referenced Dr. O. Og is also the first to letters of Ogre, so it could be referencing that this Dr. Og is not a very nice guy, unless of course he is like Shrek, in which case it could be referencing that Dr. Og has oddly shaped ears. The No in this instance could be once again saying that Dr. O shouldn't get the nitrogen or that there is No Dr Og at all, and the before message was merely a coincidence.

If you split up Gordon's name then you get the message Go Rd On. This is a very confusing message because it could be saying that you should go on the road, but then why would "road" be first? Obviously it is saying that the road is on something. And we should go to whichever road it is that is on the something. Using Gordon's last name we were able to shed some light this confusing puzzle.

Walker is backwards for Reklaw, which sounds just like Wreck Law. Wreck is another word for break so whatever this road is on top of obviously has to do with something illegal. Since Gordon's character has proven to be murderous it stands to reason that underneath that road there is a body - now the real question is of whom does this body belong? Using the process of elimination we were able to determine that it is not George Washington, because Gordon wasn't alive during that time period, so the Pneumonia Homicide is still unsolved, it is not Sam and Dean, because they are alive, and it is not Gomez Addams because he is fictional. However there are still numerous possibilities as to who it is that Gordon has stashed underneath a road. Our most workable theory being naturally Elvis, because Gordon obviously is not a fan because it has been scientifically proven that people that hunt down innocent vampires are not Elvis fans. Now another question would be "How could one get him out?" Which has of course been answered previously, obviously one would have to squash Gordon in order to go to the road, with Nitrogen, that either Dr. Og isn't supposed to go to, or isn't there.

Now, to continue this psychoanalysis we will examine several key quotations by Gordon and decipher them for hidden meanings to determine his future plans. "I'm not a killer, I'm a hunter," is more likely to hold a secret message, because what other purpose could this line possibly have? A hunter kills, and a killer hunts, so it only stands to reason that this is a nonsense phrase, and thus it's only purpose would be to hold a secret message.

If you go by every third word, you get "AA" which is a type of battery, which means that the next thing Gordon is planning is probably going to take a lot of energy. If you go by every fourth word you simply get "killer", which if you separate it you get Kil, Ler, which means that Gordon is going to try to kill something called Ler. Since Gordon hunts supernatural things, it stands to reason that Ler must be a reference to some type of supernatural creature. Of course, after an extensive search it is found that no such creature by that name exists - this means that Ler must be an abbreviation for something. Out of all the supernatural type creatures, Leprechauns are the only ones, as far as we can tell, with all three letters, so it is obvious that Gordon left out the "p" to either trip us up or because "I'm not a killerp, I'm a hunter" doesn't make much more sense then the original sentence. I'm not sure which one. Now, if you go by every second word you get "Not Killer A" which obviously means that someone is in on this nefarious scheme with him and he's simply backup or "Killer B". If you go by every fifth word you get "I'm" which backwards is MI which is a reference to a popular movie called Mission Impossible, in which a person uses high tech gadgets to complete an impossible mission. This shows us that it will be impossible for Gordon and his accomplice to kill the leprechauns without a high tech gadget. Now, if you take the only word that hasn't been used yet, you get hunter. Dean is a hunter. What high tech gadget does only Dean have? An EMF detector! What better opportunity could Gordon have to steal it without Dean's knowledge except in Hunted? Which means that Gordon and his accomplice have stolen Dean's EMF detector and are going to use it to destroy the leprechauns. That is why Dean didn't use his EMF detector in Playthings.

Now that all this has been revealed the only major question is: Why on earth haven't Sam and Dean figured this out? Seriously.


	5. Document 5: Top Secret Meeting

THE TOP SECRET DEMON MEETING THAT NO ONE KNOWS ABOUT FOR DEMONS AND POSSIBLY EQUESTRIANS!

YED: Welcome to the Top Secret Demon Meeting That No One Knows About For Demons And Possibly Equestrians. Let's get this Top Secret Demon Meeting That No One Knows About For Demons And Possibly Equestrians started with a roll call. Red Eyed Demon? 

RED: Present

YED: Blue Eyed Demon?

BED's Rep: Future.

YED: Right. pause What's holding her up?

BED's Rep: A noose.

YED: Ah. Didn't she need to take an exam of some sort to be authorized to use one of those?

BED: entering noises Past!

YED: Excellent. Moving on. Green Eyed Demon?

GED: How come you never ask if I'm here first?!!!!! 

YED: I'll take that as a yes. Pink Eyed Demon?

Pink Eyed Demon: Here!

YED: Pink Eyed Demon?

Pink Eyed Demon: Here!

YED: Where is the Pink Eyed Demon?

Pink Eyed Demon: I'm right here!

YED: That's preposterous. What happened to your pink eyes?

Pink Eyed Demon: I got better. 

YED: DRAT IT ALL!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO CHANGE YOUR TOWELS! 

GED: Why do you never care about my towels?!

Pink Eyed Demon: Sorry.

YED: Black Eyed Demons?

RED: They couldn't make it. Concert.

YED: Orange Eyed Demon?

OED: Here.

YED: Thank you for coming. Wow. You're eyes look tremendous how on earth did you get that effect?

OED: Hepatitis.

GED: He never compliments my eyes!

YED: Marvelous. Purple Eyed, One Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater? 

PEOHFPPE: Also present.

YED: Bloody Mary?

Bloody Mary's Rep: She couldn't make it this time.

YED: What? Her presence at these meetings is essential for developing the right mood. How on earth are we supposed to make our mysterious exits if everyone's eyes aren't pouring, I ask you? How could she not be here? I'm simply shattered!

Bloody Mary's Rep: So's she.

YED: What about Shritga? Could Shritga make it?

Bloody Mary's Rep: Nope.

YED: Drat! Shot down!

Bloody Mary's Rep: He knows the feeling.

YED: Hypocrite!...Constance?

RED: Couldn't find a babysitter.

YED: Aren't her children old enough to watch after themselves? It's not like they can accidentally drown themselves or anything. Again.

RED: They have mommy issues...

YED: Wendigo?

PEOHFPPE: He's at home, sick. 

YED: Oh that's too bad.

PEOHFPPE: It's terrible. He's burning up and everything.

YED: We'll have to send him some entrails later. Hook man?

College Student: At the jewelers. 

YED: Drat it all, Ghosts?

College Student: There's no way of knowing.

YED: What the heck is a college student doing here?

College Student: Extra credit.

RED: He's just here for the food.

YED: Equestrians?

College Students: At the football game.

YED: Drat it. Alright, let's move on. Now we'll say the honorable demon pledge and the secretary will read off the minutes from the last meeting.

ALL in unison:  
I am a demon.  
I am proud to be a demon.  
We couldn't agree on any other lyrics because we are demon.  
And don't get along.  
Uxorious.

RED: Alright, so last meeting we called role. Then we said the honorable demon pledge. Then we opened the floor on the matter of Maniacal Laughter, Effective Tool, Or Just Plain Cheesy? and determined that maniacal laughter is only to be permitted on special occasions or when employing a Scientology professor. Once that was over, we discussed the Winchester issue, no conclusion was drawn, and ended the meeting with the Rainbow Demon Power Squad Unification Theme. Followed by equestrian refreshment. 

YED: Excellent. So the first matter of business now is to continue the discussion about the Winchester situation and come to an actual conclusion other then that the lanky one needs serious help with his hair. Would anyone like to make an opening statement?

GED: How come I've never gotten a crack at them? It isn't fair. You've got a crack at them, the Red Eyed Demon got a crack at them. When is it my turn?

YED: We don't think the Winchesters could handle you, and we still want Sam intact in case he decides to join our side.

BED: How's he going to do that? There aren't any colors left.

YED: Alright moving on, Blue Eyed Demon, how is John? 

BED: Well first I took him shopping at the mall, and I found these cute shoes and like five adorable dresses, and then we went to the food court and had a churro, and then we watched Titanic five times in a row, and then I had to go to get my hair done so I brought him with me because you said you wanted him supervised, and then I took him to a slumber party with my five year old niece and all her friends.

YED: Ah, so the torture is going well.

BED: Torture?

YED: Nevermind.

RED: I vote that we send the Blue Eyed Demon after the remaining Winchesters.

BED: I can't. I'm getting a pedicure. Maybe next year?

YED: In any case, I'm thinking we should make a move soon.

PEOHFPPE: I think Sam should be in the next episode of Psy Match.

YED: Yes, but I'm just not sure he's ready for reality tv.

PEOHFPPE: And I motion we should skip the complimentary get to know you brunch and send them straight to the ghost town.

YED: But I love the brunch.

PEOHFPPE: Yes, but the ratings for that part are so low, I just don't think there's room for it in our budget anymore. Demons need cool cars, you know.

GED: How come I never get to make motions?

BED: I second that motion

YED: What's wrong, Red Eyed Demon?

RED: Nothing, this chair is just strangely uncomfortable. I third the motion.

YED: Sustained. Alright, so the next order of business. "Pink. Can Demons Pull It Off?"


End file.
